Ask Sahaj: My family didn't show love. How do I change for my boyfriend?

Dear Sahaj: My boyfriend and I constantly argue about the same thing: how I don’t show any love, physical or emotional, and that whenever I promise to change, I make small changes and then go right back to being distant.

I wasn’t raised to be an affectionate person. My South Asian parents were distant; my mom never expressed her emotions and my father’s emotions were always larger than life. My dad also had a tendency to be emotionally abusive so I grew up trying to protect myself by becoming emotionally numb.

It is very difficult for me to feel safe and trust another person in any relationship so I don’t enjoy sharing my emotions and struggle to be affectionate. I try to accommodate my boyfriend but he thinks my efforts are insincere. I love him very much in my own way but he doesn’t get it.

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Now, my parents are urging us to get married and while my boyfriend is doing all the right things, we still haven’t met his family. Sometimes I think he is ashamed of me. I want to be the woman he wants and needs but I’m afraid that I can’t be. What should I do?

— Not Enough

Not Enough: This question hurt my heart because of the way you talked about this struggle. I am sensing that fear drives your behaviors — the fear of losing this relationship and a fear of not being enough.

There’s nothing wrong with not being overly affectionate, but since this seems to extend to an inability to process emotions, emotional numbness, and struggles to feel safe, then it’s time to pursue professional help. A therapist can help you unpack these fears and issues in a safe space while also teaching you how to unlearn some of the beliefs you‘ve internalized about yourself.

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Growing up, your parents didn’t model healthy emotional expression, so it may be hard for you to believe that you deserve to have your needs met, too. You talk about wanting to be what he wants, but what do you want? What type of a partner do you want to be, and what type of partner do you want in return? How do you want to grow and exist in the world and in your relationships?

It’s okay for you and your boyfriend to be different. It will be important, though, to recognize what the common ground is and if you’re both able to be satisfied with it. I do wonder if you two are trying to make things work when you’re not compatible. Think about your current relationship, behaviors, and needs together. What do you both need from the other, explicitly, to feel loved? How do you both naturally show your love to one another? What are the issues you both experience within the relationship? What are the positives you both experience with this relationship?

Wanting to change for your boyfriend, or out of fear of losing him, won’t be enough to lead to sustainable change. This is because your reasons for changing are dependent on things that are not in your control. Sustainable change is rooted in internal motivation and expectations. Basically, you want to get clarity on why you want to change for you, as well as how you want to change. You need to be honest with yourself about what is realistic and what isn’t.

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Have an honest and vulnerable conversation with your boyfriend about where you both stand with your relationship as it is and if each of you can meet the other person’s needs. Waiting for your relationship to become something different may lead to resentment and regret. This may also be an opportunity to ask more about why he hasn’t taken you home to meet his family.

Struggles and disagreements are normal in relationships, but it should always feel like it’s both of you against the issue rather than you against him. If you and your boyfriend are seriously considering marriage (and I mean, you two, not your parents), consider couples therapy to navigate this issue together.

Have a question for Sahaj? Ask her here.

It’s not healthy for either of you to think that you just have to get to a certain place, or become certain people, for the relationship to work. The destination isn’t the goal. To some degree, everyone can benefit from working on themselves to be healthier and more mature people, but you shouldn’t feel shame for where you are on your journey nor need to contort yourself to keep your boyfriend happy.

Your relationship should give you a safe place to come home to — not a minefield that keeps you on edge, especially when you are navigating painful truths about yourself or your experiences. If you’re constantly arguing about the same thing now, then it’s likely you will constantly argue about this in the future. Something has to shift.

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